


I Can't Lie

by spiderlillium



Series: Canonverse Eruri Week 2016 [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonverse Eruri Week, Canonverse Eruri Week Day 2, Canonverse Eruri Week Day 6, Eruri Week, Eruri Week 2016, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 06:03:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5994163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiderlillium/pseuds/spiderlillium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The truth is plainer observed at another's perspective.</p><p>(Three times Levi bares his feelings unintentionally, and one time that he does it on purpose.)</p><p>-</p><p>For Day 2 (Pining) and Day 6 (Hurt <strike>and Comfort</strike>) of Canonverse Eruri Week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can't Lie

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Maroon 5's song with the same name.

“You look upset.”  
  
Eren nearly jumped out of his skin when Petra walked right inside the dusty room, broom in tow.  
  
“It's rare for people not to get upset after talking to him.” She went on, regarding the greenhorn with a smile to ease up their conversation. “He isn't some flawless hero like most people picture him to be – I mean, he's short, incredibly guarded, rude, and unapproachable.”  
  
Undoubtedly true – Eren noticed all of these from his silent observations of his long-time idol. Yet there was one more thing that startled him upon his discovery of it – something he did not expect the slightest. “Personally... I'm surprised the Captain obeys orders from his superiors without question.”  
  
“You thought since he's strong and influential, he wouldn't care about things like rank and the chain of command?”  
  
“Yeah,” Eren said with a nod, “I never thought he'd submit to anyone...”  
  
That made Petra think. “Well,” She began after a pause, “I don't know the complete story, but before he became a part of the Corps, he was a criminal, widely known in the Underground circles of the Capital – or so they say.” A shrug. It was one of those rumors that had been repeated so many times and heard by so many people that one couldn't tell which part of it remains true. “I don't know how it happened, but it seemed that he gave in to Commander Erwin.”  
  
“To the Commander?” Eren's respect for Erwin Smith swelled with, if not higher, with his shock upon discovering this bit of secret about Captain Levi. But before he could press Petra for more details, a firm voice called his name – and upon turning his head, he found the source of it standing by the doorway.  
  
“Hey, Eren.”  
  
“Y-Yes, sir!” Staggered by the sudden appearance of the very person they were previously gossiping about, Eren struggled to hide his surprise, breaking out in cold sweat.  
  
Levi did not answer immediately – nor did he regard Eren directly, his grey eyes darting toward the form of one Petra Ral (who suddenly took a great interest in sweeping the floor) the moment he noticed his charge was not alone.  
  
“That won't do,” After a few heartbeats, the Captain turned his attention back to the titan-shifter, casting him a firm and unapproving gaze. “Go and redo the cleaning.”  
  
“Yes sir!” Not even missing a beat, Eren straightened up, both terrified about his superior finding out that they had been talking about him and about his apparently dismal cleaning job. Eager to flee, he set out immediately, excusing himself and jogging up the steps in top speed.  
  
When Eren was gone, Levi's eyes gravitated back to his squad mate, who seems to have put a great distance between her and the doorway (where Levi is currently standing), nearly squeezing herself near the corner.  
  
Critical for a moment, Levi put his hands on his hips and stared at Petra with the same unapproval he had for Eren. “I _heard_ that, by the way.”  
  
Immediately, Petra froze from where she stood, broom poised in mid-sweep. “S-Sir?”  
  
“I didn't choose you for this job so you can fill that boy's head with my life story.” Levi let out a huff, and narrowed his eyes at Petra – who still hasn't faced him.  
  
“So it's _not_ gossip, then?” Instead of apologizing, Petra had the audacity to actually question him, finally turning. “It's true – all of it?”  
  
Levi pressed his lips tight.  
  
“Why did you choose to follow the Commander?” Despite the building glare directed at her, Petra still found her courage. “They said – they all say you joined because of him.”  
  
For a moment, it seemed like he was about to reprimand her for asking personal questions, but after a full minute of intense staring, Levi finally broke his silence.  
  
“He had what I lacked. At least, initially.”  
  
Petra swallowed hard. This was the scoop of a lifetime. “And what was it?”  
  
“Direction.” answered Levi easily, and sighed. “Now, if you're done being curious, can you clean this room for me and keep an eye out on the kid? I'm going to see how the others are doing.”  
  
Petra didn't dare disobey, so she voiced nothing more of her questions and watched her superior go.  
  
_Oh_ , boy.  
  
She couldn't wait to sprint upstairs and holler this discovery right at Eren's ear.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
Inside the medical bay, the air is thick with the smell of iron and sweat.  
  
Hours had passed now. The Survey Corps' mission to retrieve Humanity's Last Hope was successful – but victory, as always, required the price of blood.  
  
Hange had always known this – always expected the body count, the incapacitated, the tears. That was just how it was. Everyone was replaceable.  
  
But even with this truth, she could not help but feel pressure constricting her throat as she gazed down at Erwin Smith's pale, struggling body. Not that she thought the Commander would be a clear exception – he was human too, just like the rest of them, but a part of her could not believe what had happened.  
  
He lay there, sweating at the height of his injury-induced fever with one less arm. Blood had seeped from his stump past his first and second change of bandages and to the sheets – and even with the third change, red spots still peppered the white cloth. Hange stared long at the space where Erwin's right arm used to be – the dominant arm, the one he saluted and offered his heart with and thought, there must be some sort of mistake. This must be another man. Not Erwin. He is the heart of the cause. Without him, without his leadership, they will all suffer.  
  
Hange continued to gaze blankly, at a loss for what to say – and when she caught herself drifting off to darker thoughts, she finally lifted her gaze, and found Levi sitting by him.  
  
“Get some sleep.” He was gaunt-faced and tired-looking – just like her. Hange knew Levi had been present when Erwin was rushed into this room, and wondered if he ever left.  
  
“ _You_ get some sleep.” Levi responded with a voice that sounded like it hadn't been used in a few hours. “I'm fine. You look like shit.”  
  
Hange had to snort, her hands coming up to rub her palms against her face, which is still a little pink from her encounter with the scorching steam of the Colossal Titan. She was so, _so_ tired that her usual sense of humor can't even bring itself to work – and she usually was the life of the Corps, every after expedition.  
  
“Levi...” Sighing out, her eyes gravitated once more to the bed beside him, the very one to which he seemed to be keeping a close watch with like some sort of bird of prey. The lump in her throat came back with a raging vengeance at once, especially when she noted how the pallor of Erwin's skin is so close to that of a corpse.  
  
“With Mike missing in action, and with Erwin...” She swallowed thickly, “What I want to say is – I'm Commander now. And I want you to know that if it comes to it, I'm promoting you to the position of Squad Leader.”  
  
Levi did not even lift his gaze to meet hers. “There is no need for that.”  
  
“There _is_ ,” insisted Hange, stepping a little closer. “I know it's just a formality at this point, but I want our soldiers to acknowledge your ascent in–”  
  
“What I meant is,” Levi cut her off, “There is no need for you to appoint me to any other position. I will support you in managing the Corps till Erwin gets better – he'll need all the support he'll get, so he can have a clear head when he makes the next plans.”  
  
Hange stared at him, nearly open-mouthed. “Levi–” Intended to argue, she looked at the stressed body of their commander, as if to point it out – Erwin is toeing the line, nearly tipping toward the other side but then – she _sees_ Levi. Levi occupying the side where Erwin lacks an arm, his body slightly leaning forward, as if he's filling in for the absence – and his eyes – tired and dark but turned to no one else–

  
_Oh._  
  
Hange closed her mouth and understood.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
“After we've retaken Wall Maria, and beaten all of our enemies... Can we really go back to those times?”  
  
She could see the three of them plainly – happy and carefree, with smiles on their faces, like nothing could ever go wrong. The memory of their childhood seemed like a relic now, despite being young still. The war has changed them so much these past few months – so much, in fact, that Mikasa thinks she's long forgotten how to smile about something trivial.  
  
“We _can,”_ came Eren's answer, firm and resolute once more. “But there's no bringing back the same old life we had, not completely... Which is why we _have_ to make them pay.”  
  
Mikasa's gaze lowered. If she couldn't save Carla Jaeger before, she can very well avenge her now. “Yeah.”  
  
“But that's not all,” insisted Armin, “There's the ocean too. A great sea of salt that no one could ever exhaust.”  
  
There is an expression on Armin's face that Mikasa recognized – of _wonder._ Like the tireless yearning in her and Eren's hearts for revenge, her friend yearned mightly for the land beyond the walls.  
  
“There's more out there than just titans,” continued the blond, the smile on his round face growing, “Flaming water. Frozen lands. Fields of sand. I joined the Survey Corps because I wanted to see them all.”  
  
“Ah,” said Eren, smiling a little. “That's why...”  
  
Mikasa had realized it sooner than Eren had – for she had always seen the strength and will in Armin's heart. Not that Eren hasn't – he might have thought their friend had the same sentiment initially – and perhaps he's naturally a little dense to catch up on things quickly – but all he did was not made in ill thoughts. That was just how he was, like how his wings are made to circle around his prey before the kill. It only happens that Armin's are made to make him _fly._  
  
“That's it!” Armin exclaimed, standing up on the steps he was previously sitting on, “Let's go see the ocean – it's water stretching as far as the eye can see! There's even _fish_ that can only live in it!  
  
“Eren!” persisted the blond, now grinning widely, “You still have doubts that it exists, don't you? It _has_ to exist! We must go and see it!”  
  
Even Eren was affected by the eagerness in Armin's voice, laughing softly at the energetic outbursts of his best friend. “There's no stopping you... Then I guess we'll just have to go there ourselves.”  
  
“So it's settled? We're really going to see it?” Color rose up in Armin's cheeks in his excitement.  
  
“There they go again,” Mikasa murmured under her breath, “Talking about things only they understand...”Not that she was jealous in a way – partly, she had been in on this secret, but she simply did not find much novelty in rediscovering the world. All Mikasa wanted was for all of this to end so her two idiots can be safe and sound.  
  
“After we defeat all the titans, let's tell the Commander about it. I'm sure he'll find it very interesting.” Eren suggested, appearing to not have heard his sister's offhand comment, “And maybe – Squad Leader Hange as well. She'll listen for sure.”  
  
“I think both of them have heard of such places and likely, have considered going there at some point if we're victorious.” nodded Armin, “But I'll mention it, suggest that we go there first... Maybe you could talk to Captain Levi about it too? Seems like he, the Commander, and Squad Leader Hange are close. They'll listen to him.”  
  
Eren visibly flinched at the mention of the name. “...Er, maybe you could do it instead.”  
  
Armin gave him a look. “He's not gonna kick you without reason, Eren. You know that. And besides, you've worked with him longer. He knows you longer than any of us in his squad.”  
  
“Yeah, well, you weren't on the receiving end of his kicks, alright.” Eren rubbed his stomach unconsciously. “You've never known true pain till you get kicked right on the face by Captain Levi...”  
  
Armin scoffed loudly. “You're so _dramatic,_ Eren.” Moving down the steps, he faced the mess hall with a sense of renewed purpose. “Alright – I think I'm gonna talk to Squad Leader Hange about this. I bet she's still in there.”  
  
“Wait – _now?_ You're gonna do it now?” Eren rose from his spot as well. “Armin, I think the mead has gotten into your head...”  
  
“Eren, you go ahead and find Captain Levi.”  
  
“ _What_? He's in a bad mood! I don't want to get kicked again!” Eren said rather alarmed. “Hey _wait_ – Armin! You're really doing it? Hold on a minute!” Staring at the retreating form of his best friend, he started to give chase, but instantly remembered his sister, who had gone quiet for a while. “Come on, Mikasa, let's go.”  
  
“You go on ahead,” Mikasa had been observing them all the while. “I think I'll sit here for a bit and enjoy the quiet.”  
  
“Alright. Well, don't be out for too long.” Eren waved at her and followed Armin into the mess hall once again.  
  
“Good night.” said Mikasa long after Eren had gone, and sighed, looking up at the dark sky.  
  
Though, her enjoyment had to be cut short, upon hearing a creak – of wood, to be exact.  
  
Mikasa stilled, eyes averting to the storage hut behind her.  
  
“It's rude to listen in on other people's conversations, you know.”  
  
There was no reply.  
  
Mikasa pressed her lips together. “Don't make me come there and drag you out.”  
  
“Goddamn, kid. Calm down.”  
  
Levi was the last person she was expecting. She might have thought it was Jean at some point, to be honest. “You know, it's really creepy – an old man like you spying on _kids_ like us.” Mikasa turned away from her superior who had come out of hiding, her arms folded and resting on her knees. “I should report you to Commander Erwin for indecency... _Sir._ ” She added, in an attempt to be polite and insulting at the same time.  
  
“Shut the fuck up.” The captain was holding a mug of beer as he strode toward the steps. “One of these days I'm gonna kick your ungrateful ass out of my squad if you won't stop being a sassy little shit whenever I'm around.” Settling two arm's length away from Mikasa, he raised the wooden mug to his lips, and took a few gulps.  
  
“You can't,” Mikasa gave a hateful sideways glance at Levi. “I'm the best soldier in your squad.”  
  
Levi paused mid-drink, and let his mug down. “Not only are you a sarcastic brat, but you're also full of yourself.” A moment. “I should report you to the Commander and have you demoted.”  
  
Mikasa glared hard at him for a few seconds before turning away. “I'm only telling the truth.”  
  
“But it doesn't mean you have to flaunt it,” Levi retorted reasonably.  
  
Mikasa did not have anything to say to that, so she kept her silence and looked up the night sky once more.  
  
“What are you going to do after we defeat the titans?”  
  
She noted he said _after_ and not _if._ “Quit the military – so I don't have to see your face everyday ever again.”  
  
“Stop fucking talking to me like that. We're related, you know.”  
  
“...Don't remind me.”  
  
Levi gave a long sigh. “I try, but the truth is too painful for me to keep my mouth shut.”  
  
Mikasa gave him another sideways glare.  
  
“You don't have anything else to look forward to, after defeating the titans?” Levi prompted once more, after a minute.  
  
“The titans took everything I've ever looked forward to.”  
  
Levi hummed, and downed his mug dry.  
  
“Having revenge as a reason to fight the titans is fine – but try not to feed on it forever.”  
  
“It suits me just fine. It suits Eren just fine.”  
  
“Eren shares Arlelt's wanderlust. They share the same dream. You do not.”  
  
Mikasa pursed her lips. “All I want is relief. For all of this to be over.”  
  
“Don't we all?” Levi sighed, and in the dim light, he looked more tired than usual. “But don't we fight so we can enjoy what comes after?”  
  
A long bout of silence between the two of them followed thereafter, to which only the crickets created the noise.  
  
“What do _you_ look forward to, after we defeat the titans?”  
  
Levi considered it for a moment. “Sleeping.”  
  
“That's all?”  
  
Levi let his gaze fall to the empty mug in his hands. “It seems like the titans are going to take the only thing I'm looking forward to, very soon.”  
  
Mikasa stared at him. “Then don't let them take it. The power is right there, in your hands.”  
  
Levi laughed, short and bitter. “You're right.” He stood up, grabbing the mug by it's handle. “Maybe I _should_ break his legs tonight.”  
  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
The moment his bed dipped on one side, Erwin had waken instantly.  
  
Taking on the defensive immediately, the Commander shielded himself from his attacker with his remaining arm, swatting away – but in the blink of an eye, a heavy weight settled on his hips and a strong grip caught his wrist.  
  
Erwin struggled to squint in the dark to see the face of his adversary, but he need not trouble himself any longer.  
  
“Take back your words.”  
  
The voice is slightly slurred, and at their distance, Erwin could smell the scent of beer radiating off of the other's breath.  
  
“Levi?”  
  
“Take it back. Take it back, Erwin.”  
  
Ceasing from his struggling, the Commander went limp in his captain's grasp.  
  
“Levi, we already talked about this.”  
  
“Say you'll stay. It's not too late... We can still make an announcement.”  
  
“I've made my choice. You know my reasons – and I know full well that you understand them.”  
  
“I don't give a fuck. Take back your words.”  
  
Erwin moved to sit up, but in turn, the man atop him squeezed his wrist a little tighter.  
  
“Levi, you're drunk.”  
  
“Stay. Tell them you'll stay.”  
  
A sigh. “I can't.”  
  
“Yes, you can.”  
  
“I know you're worried about me, but I'm doing this for myself. You know I will stop at nothing to get to the bottom of this.”  
  
“I'm not doing this for you, asshole. I'm doing this for _me_.”  
  
Erwin was stunned into silence, eyes searching through the gloom to take a look at Levi's face.  
  
“Stay, Erwin. Just stay.” His voice had gotten gravelly, his grip on the Commander's wrist going slack. “Stay right here...”  
  
It dawned upon him so quickly that he had nearly choked on his own breath. Now that it was clear to him, Erwin felt like a fool to not have sensed something so _obvious_ , so plainer like this truth.  
  
“I can't,” Suddenly, Erwin found it hard to speak. “Even if you ask me like this, Levi. I've made my decision.”  
  
Levi went still for a minute. “I don't want to get left behind. Not by you.”  
  
Erwin felt a plunging feeling in his chest.  
  
“You're going to die,” Levi said in a voice above whisper. “And I'll live. I always live. I'm too good at surviving.” A pause. “Maybe if you do die, I'll follow – jump straight into a titan's mouth.”  
  
_“No,”_ Erwin said hastily, dreading the possibility. “No, Levi... You _must_ live. You must survive.”  
  
Levi scoffed. “What for, if I'll only end up miserable?”  
  
“You'll heal. The pain will ebb. It will pass,” Erwin swallowed down the lump rising in his throat. “Like all things.”  
  
“No. Not this time.” In the dark, Levi shrunk away, pushing himself off of Erwin in one fluid motion – and in a few silent steps, he made it out of the room.  
  
Erwin itched to reach out and touch him – _stop_ him – but he resisted the urge.  
  
It was better, this way.

 


End file.
